Running Away

Do you ever wonder how those people just walk out the door for a jug of milk and never come back do it? I do all the time. I wonder why there life was so bad. I wonder if they ever miss their old clothes. I wonder if they think about going back. I've always been very curious about it. I find it interesting that they just start again. They make up a whole new background a whole new self. I'm beginning to wonder if that is what I'm trying to do. Except I've told people I'm going. This is my biggest regret. If I could do it all over again, I would just give 2 weeks notice at my job and not even tell them why. I wouldn't tell my friends until I was in Australia. This way I would avoid those sappy goodbyes that feel totally fake. Yes, I will miss people, but its sorta like missing your hair after a big haircut. Yeah its gone, but doesn't it look better? I feel like I have changed so much in the last few years, yet my surroundings have stayed the same. Basically I feel like I don't match anymore. I did at one time have a close connection to all my friends here, but time has changed that. These friends are getting married, having babies, running kids to soccer games, and meeting for play dates. I, however, am not doing any of these things. Of course, I love these people and their kids, but I simply don't have anything in common with them anymore. Maybe it is that fact that I'm jealous. I wanted all those things, yet life hasn't taken me there. I often wonder why this happens at different times for different people. Has God decided that I'm not mature enough to have a real relationship, that I can't handle children? Yet I watch people mess up there perfectly great relationships everyday. Anyway, the point is I've changed. I've changed so much that I feel like I fake who I am on a daily basis. Australia for me will be like going for milk and never coming back. I want to start all over. I want to say what I want without worrying that I've hurt someones feelings. I just want out. I feel like I'm having the beginning stages of a panic attack. I'm so close to gone I can feel it, yet its still so far away.

I did not intend to hurt any ones feeling while writing this. I will apologize for anything I've written that has offended anyone. Unfortunately, I can't help how I feel.