Lately my posts have been really impersonal. I haven't written about how things have made me feel or what I've even enjoyed. It has felt more like an obligation than a privilege to tell everyone about my journey. The last few weeks I've been completely lost. I sometimes find myself hard to be around. I believe that things happen for a reason. That there are people we meet at certain times because they have something to say that we need to hear. I believe that there are actually road signs telling us "yes, your on the right path." I have also seen the ones that say "wrong way, go back." I even believe that when you put your money into the candy bar machine and the bar gets stuck its God's way of saying, it's not meant to be. I even wonder if that 30 seconds or minute we sit and ponder what to do or ignore the signs and find more change to put in actually saves us. I mean that minute could have been the difference between a life and death car accident or running into someone you don't want to see. Or maybe none of it has anything to do with any of it. Who knows, I don't think I will know until I sit with God and he tells me the purpose of his plans. Now back to me being lost. The last few years have been really off for me. I almost feel like God has stop sending me signs. I am desperate to see them, yet I am in a fog. Now as I was just saying that things happen for a reason, God threw me a sign. Well actually a book. I have been carrying this book around since Bobbi left. I found it at the house we were staying in. I took it because I briefly read the back and thought it was a murder mystery. I carried it with me to the farm, and down the east coast, but didn't start reading it. I guess I wasn't ready. Lately I have been wondering what I should be doing with my life. Again, feeling like God isn't sending me the signs I need to help me get where I want to go. The book is "The Shack" by William P. Young. It is about a man who goes threw "the great sadness" and gets to spend a weekend with God. It is a true story, at least the author claims his friend experienced it. I believe it is true. Of course, I was to read it to get a message about my own life. It talks about relationships a lot. About how your relationships with God, people, and everything else around you is all that matters. Building on those relationships is what is important. The three words I would use to describe what I got from the book are trust, love and faith. I am sure that if you were to read the book there would be a totally different message for you to see. So I need to work on my relationships. Well I've known this for awhile. Like I said I have been awful to be around lately. I am finding it really hard to be nice. I know, isn't that stupid. I'm find myself getting my back up over anything anyone says. I find myself not wanting to get to know people for fear I might like them and have to build a friendship with them. I find it hard to just say "good morning" or "thank you." I find myself feeling very alone but not wanting to let anyone in anyway. I don't know why this is, never mind trying to change it. I have been given advice by plenty about things like "the secret" and such. But I keep feeling that I am not even at a place where I know what I want. How can I think positive when I can't even say "good morning" without faking it? So basically I am feeling very lost. I thought coming to Australia would show me a few new signs. It has been a wonderful experience so far. I have needed every single day, yet worry I haven't even come close to finding my way. In fact I feel even more confused than I did eight months ago. And going home, its terrifying. I keep telling myself to let future Cindy thinking about it. I worry I haven't grown as much as I want to. Maybe I haven't even changed. Will I go home and settle back into the life I was so miserable in, because it is comfortable? Or will I just know what I am supposed to do with my life? If there is one thing I need to remember about this book it is about the future. I need to stop worrying about it. I need to live today instead of trying to imagine a future that hasn't happened yet. I mean it would be stupid and naive to not think about the future, like how will I feed and shelter myself. But I need to realise that God will take care of me. I need to trust that he will provide what I need to survive. I need to trust that he will keep me and my family and friends safe. Trust that he will lead me to all the right signs and people I need to see and meet. Trust that I am loved. I have complete faith in my God and I trust and love that he will take care of me. Okay okay I know it sounds strange to hear me talk about God this way. Honestly I have always thought about him. Plus I really don't care what you think of God, that is for you to figure out.
This post is about me trying to read the signs. It is a really selfish post since I think I've used "I" in every single sentence. I just want to say that I am really trying to figure out what path I am on or should be on and I am sorry for those who have not gotten the best of me.
Until next time,
Cindy
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